Dina Al-Mahdy
If you spend any time around couples, you might have heard the phrase “love language” come up.
Yes, ladies and gentlemen, there are five love languages—five ways that people speak and understand emotional love.
Some partners may say their love language is acts of service when
they talk about their partner’s help around the house. It might sound
like general couple’s talk, but it’s actually from a famous relationship
book: The Five Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman.
The idea is simple: break down the different ways in which people
communicate with their partners, so we can finally take the mystery out
of what our significant other really wants and expects from us.
So, what exactly are these languages he speaks of?
According to Dr. Chapman, there are five universal ways that all
people express and interpret love. Through his more than 30 years of
couples counseling, Dr. Chapman has noticed specific patterns in the way
partners communicate—and it turns out that most of the population
expresses and interprets love in the same five ways, according to his
observations.
These expressions and interpretations are his famous five love languages: Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, and Physical Touch.
Dr. Chapman firmly believes that each person has one primary and one
secondary love language, and he theorizes that people tend to give love
in the way they prefer to receive love. Since we don’t all have the same
preferences as our partners when it comes to giving and receiving love,
this is how relationships can start to get sticky. But by understanding
our partner’s inherent love language, we can start to tear down walls
in our romantic lives.
Let’s finally learn what the love languages are.
1. Words of Affirmation
The deepest human need is the need to feel appreciated. Words of affirmation will meet that need in many individuals.
According to Dr. Chapman, this language uses words to affirm other
people. For those who prefer the words of affirmation language, hearing
“I love you” and other compliments is what they value the most. Words
hold real value within this language. Furthermore, negative or insulting
comments cut deep—and won’t be easily forgiven.
One way to express love emotionally is to use words that build our partner up. Robin Sharma,
one of the world’s top leadership experts, wrote, “Words can inspire.
And words can destroy. Choose yours well.” Many couples have never
learned the tremendous power of verbally affirming each other.
Verbal compliments, or words of appreciation, are powerful
communicators of love. They are best expressed in simple,
straightforward statements of affirmation, such as:
“You look handsome in that outfit.”
“Do you ever look gorgeous in that dress! Wow!”
“I really like how you’re always on time to pick me up at work.”
“You can always make me laugh.”
2. Quality Time
Time is a precious commodity. We all have multiple demands on our
time, yet each of us has the exact same hours in a day. We can make the
most of those hours by committing some of them to our spouse.
This language is all about giving the other person your undivided
attention. Unlike the words of affirmation language, talk is cheap and
being a loved one’s main focus leaves quality-timers feeling satisfied
and comforted. Distractions, postponed dates, or the failure to listen
can be especially hurtful to these individuals. Being there for them is
crucial.
By “quality time,” I mean giving someone your undivided attention. I
don’t mean sitting on the couch watching television together. What I
mean is sitting on the couch with the TV off, looking at each other, and
talking, with devices put away, giving each other your complete
attention. It means taking a walk, just the two of you, or going out to
eat and looking at each other and talking.
If your mate’s primary love language is quality time, she simply wants to be with you, to spend time with each other.
3. Receiving Gifts
Dr. Chapman says for some people, what makes them feel most loved is to receive a tangible gift.
This doesn’t necessarily mean the person is materialistic, but a
meaningful or thoughtful present is what makes them feel appreciated.
Almost everything ever written on the subject of love indicates that
at the heart of love is the spirit of giving. All five love languages
challenge us to give to our spouse. But for some—receiving gifts,
visible symbols of love—speaks the loudest.
A gift is something you can hold in your hand and say, “Look, he was
thinking of me,” or, “She remembered me.” You must be thinking of
someone to give him or her a gift. The gift itself is a symbol of that
thought. It doesn’t matter whether it costs money. What is important is
that you thought of him or her. And it is not the thought implanted only
in the mind that counts but the thought expressed in actually securing
the gift and giving it as the expression of love.
If your spouse’s primary love language is receiving gifts, it is
possible to become a proficient gift giver. In fact, it is one of the
easiest love languages to learn. Now that you have made that discovery,
get on with the business of learning your second language.
4. Acts of Service
By acts of service, I mean doing things you know your spouse would
like you to do. You seek to please them by serving them, to express your
love by doing things for them.
For these people, actions speak louder than words. People who speak
the language of service want their partner to recognize that their life
is rough and help them out in any way possible. Lending a helping hand
shows you really care. People who thrive on this language do not deal
well with broken promises—or perceived laziness—and have very little
tolerance for people who make more work for them. Basically, if you’re
not willing to show your appreciation by doing them a favor, you’re
saying you don’t value them.
Consider actions such as cooking a meal, setting a table, emptying
the dishwasher, vacuuming, changing the baby’s diaper, picking up a
prescription, keeping the car in operating condition—they are all acts
of service. They require thought, planning, time, effort, and energy. If
done with a positive spirit, they are indeed expressions of love.
If your spouse’s love language is acts of service, then “actions speak louder than words.”
5. Physical Touch
Physical touch is also a powerful vehicle for communicating marital
love to one’s spouse. For some individuals, physical touch is their
primary love language. Without it, they feel unloved. With it, their
emotional tank is filled, and they feel secure in their spouse’s love.
To this person, nothing speaks more deeply than appropriate touch.
Everyday physical connections, like hand-holding, embracing, or any type
of reaffirming physical contact is greatly appreciated. A person who
speaks the language of physical touch isn’t necessarily an over-the-top
PDA’er, but getting a little touchy-feely does make them feel safe and
loved.
We have long known that physical touch is a way of communicating
emotional love. Numerous research projects in the area of child
development have made that conclusion: babies who are held, stroked, and
kissed develop a healthier emotional life than those who are left for
long periods of time without physical contact.
Once you discover that physical touch is the primary love language of
your spouse, you are limited only by your imagination on ways to
express love.
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Just because you or your partner favors a particular love language
doesn’t mean you should stop expressing the other love languages.
According to Chapman, even though we tend to favor one language, we
still enjoy traits of the others as well.
A willingness to examine and change stereotypes is necessary in order
to express love more effectively. Remember, there are no rewards for
maintaining stereotypes, but there are tremendous benefits to meeting
the emotional needs of your partner.